Day 3 What is the last bad movie you watched?

Hum... well, I don't really watch movies much.  My life just doesn't allow for using the time in that way, honestly.  I hear movies that my boys watch while I am doing work around the house. Also, I'm not really a good movie critic.  

The last two movies I did actually sit down and watch are The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe and Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Very different movies.  

A few months ago Sir (referring to Mike from now on) and I actually went to the theater and didn't really know what to see so we chose Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.  It was not something we would have normally chosen, but my eyes were definitely opened to some things I wouldn't have thought much of before.

The boys and I have been listening to The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe on audio when we drive around so we were able to watch the first movie in the series and they are in love.  

I wouldn't say either were bad. So I went off on my question for the day, but oh well.  

Maybe you can answer better? What is the last bad movie you watched?

Day 2 What do you crave?

I crave the quiet. For as long as I can remember, that is where I am fed. 

As a mom to 7 boys it seems ironic. I am an introvert and I need quiet to be myself. My best self.  

For years I struggled to get quiet during rest time, so I fought hard to keep it. My oldest is 13 and he still rests because I need it. 

Almost two years ago I decided to get up before everyone else, which was earth shattering because I love my sleep. 

I've grown to love that time by myself with my coffee, Bible and journal. The Lord speaks to me and I beg him for grace for the day. 

It is beautiful quiet... With the One I love. 

Day 1 What are you a geek about?

I really want to ask Mike, but he would say that is cheating. I guess I would say that I am a geek about my studying. I am currently studying four books/Bible studies. I don't really do much else besides facebook. 

1. In my goal to write through the Bible in 5 years (which I am failing horribly at) I am in the book of Exodus chapter 9. I paused while I began a couple different studies with different groups. I left off in the plagues of Egypt. Honestly, I was feeling a little discouraged. We are very much in a "waiting for the promised land" time in our lives where we left behind a dream out of obedience to the Lord and are struggling to see where He is leading us, but we keep on trusting because we have nothing else. So, constantly seeing the parallels of things getting harder when you are walking obedience, I needed a break in that. Honestly, some days, that is hard to face. 

2. Uninvited. A little over a month ago I saw this book and since I follow Lysa TerKeurst on social media, I had been seeing quotes from the book. For about a year I have been sending and realizing a stronghold of rejection has been on me. From myself and a perceived rejection from others. I had a medical issue come up and I began asking the Lord to heal me. After months of it I began to get extremely concerned and starting looking up natural healing and spiritual healing in the area of my suffering. I deeply believe that our whole body, soul, mind and spirit are a part of our health and wellness. So as I was researching I found that self rejection and fear were a foundation in this condition. The timing of this book was perfect. I am in chapter 12 now and it is changing my thought patterns and helping me to see the lines I tell myself because of the lies I have been 

told. It also relates to recognizing the gifting and calling God has placed on us individually and not letting fear stop our obedience to God. That is just a summery. 

3. Entrusted, on 2 Timothy. This is a Bible study that is brand new by Beth Moore. My goal in this was to get to know people in the church we are attending, I knew nothing about the study. Also, it is a morning study so we would not be doing our school work, that is another strange thing that I decided to do. This study is all about God entrusting to us the ministry of the gospel through the gifting a that He has given each one of us. When I realized this I was blown away. As I mentioned before, leaving where we were before and having all our dreams at our fingertips, then God asking us to let go and move on has caused a time of questioning and doubt. Thoughts of the possibilities of our ministries being done and not of use to anyone again. I have been in a kind of mourning over it all. This study also hits of the fear of man in fulfilling what God has called me to do. Several months ago I attended a Beth Moore conference in Miami and that is what God impressed on me. That o have a fear of men in ministry. Not of my husband, but other men. Of being told no and that my leading is wrong and silly. It is amazing to watch God work both of these things in me through two different places at the same time. God has a plan for my exact gifting, and no man or woman will be able to stop it, as long as I walk in obedience to Him. It is funny that I felt I needed a break in Exodus, but God brought me here anyway. 

4. Triggers by Amber Lia and Wendy Speak. Exchanging parents angry relations for gentle biblical responses. 

This should be a whole new blog post because of all that it means in my life as a mom to 7 boys, so I will summarize here. I have struggled with anger, as I'm sure most other moms have too. This study is deep and to the heart but also very practical and requires a change of behavior toward my children. It has been slow going for about the last 6 years. But God and His grace are huge and He daily perfects me. I promise I will share more because I can't keep it in. 

Well, so there I went all geek about these things. I am a deep thinker about just about everything and so I like to be challenged. This is when I feel the most happy. When I have to fight for something. Even if it is with myself. 

October's 31 Days

So yeah, I know. I'm not very good at being consistent about blogging here. At Breathing Prayers I don't seem to have quiet that problem but maybe that is because it is more annonyomus. Here I feel a bit more open for the world to see and that's scary. 

But here I go again. 

I want to use the 31 days challenge to go through a "Question a Day" journal. Some days it will be long and some will be short. I just want to create a habit. 

Join me as I learn more about myself through these 31 questions, and if you are feeling brave, ask yourself these questions as well and add them in the comments!

The last words of Job

This morning, with Abram sitting on my lap, I hand wrote that last words of Job. It was a strange feeling. It isn't the first book I have handwritten but the first one with my long term goal of writting the whole Bible. It feels like the first step in a long journey. I think I could say that writing it word for word changed me.

The last I wrote about here, was his friends and their going back and forth with Job.  It was honestly a struggle to get through because I felt like it was an argument that I would have to listen to my children have.  There was no conclusion.  Elihu felt the same way.  Basically, he told them that he was quiet and tried to listen because they are older and should be wiser.  But they weren't.  He called them all out for giving Job no answers but accusing him of wrong.  He called Job out for thinking so pridefully of himself.  He pointed out the ways of God, that no one can understand.  It made me smile.  Because they should all know those things.  But I do the same thing all the time.  I have to be reminded of things that I should know and practice.  He blasted them for about 4 chapters.  Then God spoke.

Honestly, it stunned me for a second to read those words.  "Then the Lord said to Job..." I sat there for a couple of minutes thinking about it all. Finally.  After all the horror of Job's life and all the questioning and challenging and defending that was going on.  God finally came to end it.  He would have the final say.

I was caught off guard at the sarcasm that God used with Job. God told Job to enlighten Him, since he seems to know all the answers.  It definitely made me realize that in my situation I believe that my plan on how God should work all my problems out is best.  I know what would give Him glory.  I know what people think so I have a perfect plan on how it can all work and people will be in awe of how God worked out our issues.  If He would do a certain thing people would know that we were right in our steps of faith.  People could never say that we missed God if God worked it all how I think He should.  That constant struggle is wrong... I am always battling it.

Exactly three years ago this month God called us to step out and jump. His promise was that He would catch us.  He did... and people were in awe.  We were in awe.  We could only say it wasn't us.  We did everything in our our power to solve the problem and we were powerless.  God had to do it all.  We are there again.  I wait and hope, there is no other option.  If I fail, I fail waiting on God to do this thing.

I know that God has called us and set us apart.  I know that He picked me up and set me down in Job and Ecc. at the same time.  I never expected that every day they would go hand in hand and fit perfectly with what I was facing that day.  It shows me His Father's heart toward me, that He would not leave me in the dark, questioning without any answers.  And even if He did, as He did Job, that He would eventually speak.  Again, I must trust.

As God spoke with Job and reminded Him of His sovereignty over every situation, large and small, it just washed over me.  He is sovereign. He is in control. Nothing comes as a surprise to God.  He knows how I will react over each situation I will face and He waits for my response.  He knows when the physical panic attacks come. Will my response be one of repentance and seeing my sin the way He sees it, or will my response continue to be in my pride pointing out all that I have done right and how I don't deserve this.

Job took his eyes off himself and placed them on the God who does all things well.  He is always only ever good.  I want to be a woman who can proclaim that I know that He can do all things and that no purpose of His can ever be thwarted.  I don't want to just know of Him but I want to see with my eyes.

The last few verses caught me off guard as Job's restoration was told.  The names of his daughters were given.  It says that no women in the land were as beautiful as his three daughters were and that Job gave them an inheritance along with their brothers.  It brings me to tears now.   God always brings beauty from the ashes... He always makes our disasters into victories.  That He would use me and call me beautiful is breathtaking.  The inheritance that I have been given in His kingdom along with any other man... my worth to Him in this story moves my heart so deeply toward my God.  His love for me is great and deep.  He holds me in the palm of His hand and no thing can touch me without His permission. My God does only what will bring Himself the most glory and if I am living my life only for His glory,  I know I can trust in the Father heart of my God.

Friendships~ Lessons from Job

As I have been in Job for about a month I am in the middle of the conversation between Job and his friends.  As I mentioned in the previous post, they heard about Job's trouble then came to comfort him.  They couldn't recognize him when they arrived because his body was so badly covered in boils.  But they cared enough to stay and sat with him in silence for 7 days.

7 days sounds like a really long time to just sit. I can't wrap my mind around them actually sitting in silence and not getting up for anything.  Which gives me the impression that they really cared about Job.  They really wanted to be there for him in his time of trouble.  If I think of the mourning process, which I would equate Job's situation to, I would want friends there who would not try to make me feel any certain way or give me any answers or ask any questions.  They seem to be dedicated friends.

Chapter 4 begins and we see his friends begin to talk... maybe question. "Hey Job, is everything ok between you and God?" or "Job, have you considered the idea of having done something that God may see the need to discipline you or test you?" It goes back and forth, on and on. Job defending and at some points honestly sounds quite self righteous.  But he is sure he did nothing that should deserve such punishment or disapproval from God. His statements actually cause his friends to get more and more bold. Calling him out in what his offense was before a Mighty God, Creator of the universe.  No one can be perfect, trying to help Job see this so that he would repent and God would restore him.

It actually makes sense to me.  If I put myself in the same situation as any one of Job's three friends, I would be thinking the exact thing they are thinking.  I have done it.  There are few that I have done this to. Reminded them of the character of God and the fallenness of man. It sounds a lot like holding a person accountable or standing up for truth. I am puzzled why this questioning is seen in a negative light.  I *think* I would want friends to do the same for me... actually, it has happened to me and great freedom came from it.

Maybe it is because it just isn't tactful to question someone so deeply when they have lost so much so quickly.  But after sitting silent for 7 days I would think that caused Job to realize that they deeply cared.  Mourning isn't a quick process, so I feel the depth of Job's questioning God also. 

I'm thinking on grace and when to know the right thing to say.  Or when the right thing to say is at the wrong time.  The right thing said at the wrong time can be wrong.

I already know that at the end God will rebuke these three friends, but I am looking forward to possibly seeing why they were wrong on calling him out, to evaluate himself.  To search his own heart and see if there is any wicked way in him.

My biggest question that remains unanswered is why is it wrong for Jobs friends to question him?
A lack of grace?
Unkind and hurtful because it is so close to the loss?
Or is questioning Job's character truly the problem with his friends?
I hope to find the answer to that as I finish up the second half of the book.

But for now, these

ideas cause me to evaluate the kind of friend I am.  Do I deeply love and fight for those I say that I love.  Do I seek to keep the peace in all relationships.  I want to be a sister-friend who women can feel safe with and run to when they need someone to hold up their arms in battle or sit in silence in a time of mourning.  My prayer is that Jesus would put these qualities in me.

That I would love like He loves.

All for His glory... according to Job

In my journey to write the Bible I am only a few chapters in. I'm using a guide in chronological order so I'm only in Job. It feels like it is going to take me forever.

My mind is being blown right now with the things I didn't notice in Job before. 

As we know, the fallen angels and Satan go before God. I've always thought that Satan asked to test Job but actually God offered him up. God asked Satan if he had noticed Job and pointed out how blameless he is. Satan scoffs and assures God that Job is only faithful because of the many ways that God has blessed him. So they agree that Satan can do anything except touch his body in an attempt to prove God wrong, so Satan thinks. 

Satan takes everything away and yet Job does not curse God, as his wife encourages him to do. Satan goes back to God and God again, offers Job for more trials which would include his health. Just not unto death. 

Job still does not curse God but sits in silence. His friends hear about his trouble and come to sit with him. They couldn't even recognize him because of the sores that covered his body. They all sat silently for 7 days. That is the kind of friend I hope for, and the friend I hope to be. (More on this in the next post). 

This whole part of God offering Job up has really made me struggle. So I have been meditating on it for quite a while. 

Some of my initial thoughts are "why?" Job was obedient. He was godly. He was faithful. He offered up daily sacrifices "just incase" his children sinned. He feared God. The scriptures make that pretty clear. 

I admit that when I have gone though some struggles I have had those same questions for God. I've begged for answers, telling God that my desire is to please Him! All we want is His glory! Why do we always need to deal with hard things? We are trying!!! 

The last major time was when our 5 week old sweet G was hospitalized with RSV and ended up have to be intubated to save his life. All we wanted to do was obey and believe that children are a gift. So many people just have a baby with no problems. Not us. Four hard HG pregnancies, a baby lost to HG, 4 more hard morning sickness pregnancies, 7 c -sections. I just didn't understand why one thing about it could not be easy! 

While G was in the hospital I had so much time. To think, to pray and to be in His word. Peace is the word that the Lord kept speaking to me, right out of the story of Gideon in Judges chapters 6-8. The Lord is peace. It was the beginning of my deeper understanding of this. 

God chose Gideon, the least of his tribe, to fight with what seemed unbelievable odds, to tear down the idols in the land and bring glory to God.  

Ok, so that takes me back to questioning. In Jobs life God allowed testing and lots of wrestling, which produced faith. With Gideon, there was a testing and wrestling which also produced faith. In both situations God receives all the glory. 

I think it was during this time that I heard someone say "God will do what brings Him the most glory." When you are in a life or death situation that isn't really comforting. I didn't want God to get the most glory from my sons death. 

Another person I have thought of during all of this is the blind man in John chapter 9. They asked Jesus if his parents had sinned to cause the mans blindness. Jesus said that he was blind so that the works of God might be displayed through him. This man did nothing to deserve this. But God chose to use him with the goal of bringing glory to His own name. 

The sovereignty of God is revealed through these people. God knew the heart of Job. God knew that he would be found faithful. God knew that while he may wrestle that Job would never turn his back on God or let go of God. 

Honestly, I am still seeing the pieces of these stories come together to help me get glimpses of the character of God. 

He is sovereign. 

God will do what will bring Himself the most glory. 

Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him. 

Job 13:15