Monday, January 4, 2016

Even while you weep, you are still doing it.

Most of my life, fear has been my motivator. Afraid of authority, afraid of being hurt by people, afraid of disappointing someone, afraid of punishment for messing up, afraid that I wouldn't have what I needed. It goes back as far as I can remember. There was a time in my childhood where I was filled with terror. From what I can remember about it, it was at night. I was afraid that demons were going to pull me down into hell. It also affected my days, my handwriting even changed. The Lord delivered me from that specific fear, but fear has always fought to torment me.

I battle it constantly. As I have begun to write and know that people have read my deep thoughts and struggles, I fight harder. What will they think now that they know. 

Today Mike was helping Malachi practice riding his new bike without training wheels. Malachi is just like me. Mike took him to the grass in the back yard to practice and in three tries or so Malachi was keeping balence and riding really well. He decided to take him to the road so it would be easier to pedal the bike.  As Mike started walking to the front Malachi began to protest. Mike told him to get on and off they went, he obeyed his father.

I was in the back yard and couldn't see or hear well but it sounded like Malachi had fallen because he was weeping. I walked to the front and he was still riding and Mike was still right beside him. The second time I jogged on the other side but he kept crying, the ugly cry, while he was riding. When he stopped I got eye level with him and tried to get him to tell me why he was crying. I asked if he had gotten hurt, if it was easier on the road or if he was afraid to fall. He admitted he was afraid. I told him that though he was afraid, he was stil doing it. He couldn't hear me over his fear. Mike was holding him by his shirt the whole time, if he had fallen he wouldn't have gone all the way down. As he rode I kept cheering, "You're doing it! You're doing it!!" But he was still weeping. When he stopped in the grass in our front yard he stopped crying and he jumped off and was so excited to finally realize he had done it on his own the whole time.  And was ready to go over and over again by himself. It was amazing to watch.  

As I was telling him over and over that he was doing it, watching him weep desperately in his fear, I saw myself. I wanted to tell him that I feel the same way. My fear has blinded my eyes to see the victories that I have in my life every day. So many victories. So many fears cover them. Fears of letting these boys down. Of failing them and not giving them the best of me and of things. Fear of others and opinions they have of me. I want this stronghold gone. I've heard it said that fear is the absence of trust. I have fear because I don't truly trust my Father to provide what I am needing, acceptance, physical provision, or someone who understands my struggle. These things only He can fill. Man could never fill any of them. I want this truth to soak deep down into my soul.

Oh his sweet little face with huge tears pedaling away but filled with terror. He was doing it. My Father sees me this way. Bawling my heart out and pedaling away, doing it the whole time.  Brave. He is there to catch me when I fall, I know I will. His Father heart is that I trust and obey.  Walk in faith and let go of the fear. To walk brave, because sometimes you just keep going and keep going even if you are afraid.