Saturday, October 31, 2015


So my goal is to write every day, any topic that is on my heart. Long or short. 
Most will probably be short because of all these guys. I never know what to call them... My crew, my tribe, my team? Arrows, or is that too fundy? Anyway, them. 

Today I wrote four different drafts with four different topics.  Usually as I am washing dishes or preparing dinner my mind is full from the events of the day and today I took a second to write a couple lines in hopes of triggering my memory. I think that will work well. 

It is crazy how busy the mind gets and how many things can go forgotten. I was telling Mike recently that most days I am often 5 tasks behind what I need to be doing. It feels crazy most of the time. 

Time goes so fast though. I really feel like if I blink it will be over. 

I have to remind myself often. Otherwise it feels like a daunting task to care for 7 children night and day. 

His grace truly holds me when I am at the end. 


My husband is brave.
I am terrified of his calling. 
He says hard things and sometimes people don't like to hear them. 

I am terrified of people. What they think of me and my brave husband. 

I never really imagined I would be a pastors wife. I am not sure I can handle it. 

So much to know and hold in. To know when something has to be kept silent and when to speak is too much pressure. 

Today I saw my dream of ministy vanish, from this perspective anyway. My heart broke. It was as if God was finally slowly handing my dreams to me just to snatch them away. 

I know the heart of my Father is not evil but only good so I have to trust. There is no other option. 

My Father is asking me yet again... 
If I have done everything that He has for me in ministry, am I satisfied? Am I satisfied. I feel at the end again because I can't see through the storm. 

Or maybe ministry just isn't for us. 
Mike says no, it is his calling. 
We must be brave. 

He is sovereign. 

Friday, October 30, 2015


Here I am again....
Six years later....
Three babies later...
That is what I have been doing.

It has been intense.  Ministry and Church issues, Church planting struggles, then stepping away for a season.  

A season of so many little children. Focus on our family was good.
Then God called again and we followed... trust and obey. Always so hard.

God strengthened and blessed us in so many areas. This last two years has been the best yet.  I've learned how to manage our family well and Mike works so hard to provide, he is selfless... well, most of the time. I constantly fight to find joy. While I have learned how to manage well, I have also morphed into more of a manager than a compassionate mother, I feel.  I want to love more. I want to love better.  I was telling Mike last night that I feel as if I don't touch the boys very much.  The older they get the less touch.  I know it is because the needs are much less and they are almost self sufficient in so many way. But I miss touching them each more.  Hug them three times a day to feed their souls should be a rule to live by.
Our marriage is amazing.  We are in love again. It is amazing to have butterflies again and not just coexist/co-manage. I love to kiss him and I love to love him.

Ministry has been amazing. Each one of us has found a place to plug in, be fed and to feed others. Being able to minister with Mike in worship has been amazing. Like God remembered a dream that I thought He had forgotten. And God has given us new dreams.  Sometimes it seems impossible and I am so curious how He is going to bring it all to pass if they are truly dreams from Him.
Things are shaky now, but we rest in knowing that God is Sovereign and He will do what He plans to do. That is usually different than I ever imagine. To know His Father heart for me causes me to trust, deep trust. 

Sunshine and rain. Hard to really explain a name, but I just heard it.  The longer I think about it the more it makes sense. The beauty of the rays of sunshine coming in the window in the late afternoon. The beauty of the rain, hard downpours or light sprinkles, scary at times but you know there is a purpose.  The amazing beauty of sunshine through a hard rain... I am a Florida girl. And of course, a rainbow is only found in sunshine and rain. I think that I am having a revelation as to how my Father works though it all.  My eyes are beginning to open.... as I find Him, I find myself.