Needs

At 2 o clock in the morning I am up with G for the fourth time with an ear ache. There is nothing more I can do for his pain, except heat compresses. 

In reading Listen Love Repeat, this is an interruption. An interruption to my beloved sleep. In this moment right now, how do I treat this moment holy. How does a sleep deprived for 13 years momma of 7 boys treat this horrible moment, like a holy moment?

If you are with me in my home, you would quickly find out, interruptions are the most annoying part of my day. Why do they have to come talking me me in three different directions with three different problems that I can't solve because I can't think! They interrupt my thoughts, each other, mine and Mr. conversations. They interrupt my life. Which is constant care of them anyway. So really they sabatoge themselves. 

But that is a whole other topic.  Right now, with the interruption of this baby in great pain, how am I to treat it holy? Sweet g isn't going to remember from the age of two that his mother sat by his bedside for hours constantly reheating his washcloth. This moment doesn't seem like it is for him, or his spiritual need. 

This moment, if treated as holy, has no other option than to be for me. For my depth, my maturity, my growth in compassion. Often I fail all these chances to grow and I get angry and frustrated and just scream, "I just wanna sleep!! Why do you hate me???"

My sweet boy has no plot or plan to ruin my night. They want to sleep just as much as me!  But my words grow sharp and do not bring comfort... or even show compassion for his pain. 

Amy Carmichael's words play over and over in my head... "see in it a chance to die."  To die to my flesh in order to give life to another.  This holy moment makes me more like the One who chose to die for me.  

Father, let me see these moments as a way to grow in depth and love for you. So that my sons will see Christ in me, the Hope of Glory.


*Written in 2017

Confessions of a Homeschool Mom

I don't know how to do it all.

I don't have enough patience.

I don't have a lot of money.

I don't have a lot of time.

I don't feel like doing bookwork.

I am so bad at math.



A few months ago when I titled this post I wrote the whole thing in my head.  But never had time to sit down at the computer to type it all out.  Why do the best and most honest words come when I can't sit down to write.  I know this is a season, but I am tired.  I don't want to be doing algebra for the next 10+ years.  And yes, I know I have done this to myself and I can change it at any time.  Except I didn't.... and I can't.... it is a calling.  Sometimes it is a calling I wish I didn't have.  Ten years of schooling seem like a long time to me.  I know some veterans are mocking me right now... "try 20?" If I am ever that mom, stab me in the eye with my red correcting pen.  I don't want to be the mom who marginalizes other moms for the experiences they have.  We grow into what we have.  No one can handle my situration like I can.  No one can handle your situation like you can.  Every person at some point experences hard times, they are hard because we have never had them before and unil we go through them we will never be able to handle them.  Next time it may be easier.  I know I am still ramping up in the intensity of my schooling years.  I am mentally trying to prepare for that.  This year was a game changer for us because we joined a co-op to help my highschooler with his subjects that I didn't have time to handle myself.  I guess we will never go back to having the pleasure of being home every day....

I  want to be honest.  I don't want to paint my life with rose colored glasses.  I have had some soul searching to do and make sure why I do what I do and why I have made the choices that I have.  I came to the point that I had to admit to myself that sometimes you know what you have to do and sometimes you really just don't like it.  But you do it anyway.  Seasons change so fast and I know that this will.  In the mean time, I am counting down to the next school break.