Wednesday, January 6, 2016

To take away their pain.

Going through difficult things, I always look to my boys. I want them to know I am always there. That I will do my best to protect them or to make sure that everything is going to be ok. Watching Josiah tonight make me realize how little control I have over things that make him sad. I remember being 12. It was the hardest time of my life. All about fitting in and meeting new people. He just sits waiting. I wanted to go sit with him, but would that make it worse? I was always the dorky one, the one who was different from everyone else. I want to make sure he is not that. I want to protect him from people making fun of him or leaving him out. I want him to not sit quietly missing his friends. Oh my heart breaks for my boy. I know they have to walk through these things on their own to make them stronger. But it feels harder than letting my toddler struggle to learn to walk. Why is it harder to let this one go? Is it because of the emotional pain being harder than physical pain? Or is it that it is a different kind of letting go, so they have to figure it out on their own? Or do I feel to blame for causing his pain because of our decisions? He has to deal with the consequences. 

I don't like it at all. Not because I don't trust him, I know he is able. He makes good choices, hard choices at times. He is brave. I am so proud of this almost man. I feel like the foundation has already been laid and all there is to do now is all the exterior, things that can easily be changed. He is who he is and not much can change that now. Have I done a good job? Have I shown him Jesus? Have I taught him how to make good decisions based on the gospel and love for other people. 

This is harder than teaching a baby to walk. I know how to do that all day. This boy is growing me up again. He has done so much to make me into the mother that I am. I am so proud to call him mine. My boy. Eldest of 7, my joy.