Friday, February 26, 2016

with my whole heart

This past summer I studied Psalm 119 with Love God Greatly for a few weeks.  It is the longest chapter in the Bible and it is entirely about the law of God.  His testimonies, precepts, statutes, commandments, rules and His Word. 

It was amazing to go through it verse by verse and write most of it out.  Coming out of legalism and into grace, I have struggled back and forth between the two.  Knowing that it is because of the relationship that I obey the laws of God, but struggling to see how it fleshes itself out.  I no longer resent walking in obedience to the Word of God and I still fall short so much.  It isn't about getting more done or being better.  It is about being.  
Abide and dwell are so deep I can barely comprehend it.

I was struck with how often the word heart appears in the chapter.  David ties emotion and obedience together so tightly.  I love it.  

Since doing this I have begun to pray that the Lord will give me a deeper love and desire for His Word and a deeper understanding of it.  

When I was thinking about the things I would like to accomplish in 2016, writing scriptures was on my mind and heart.  In a previous post I shared about that.  Right now I am in Job 11.  I still don't get to write it every day, but the desire is still so deep.  Every time I write there are things I have never noticed before and my understanding is deepening.  It really is changing my heart and my mind.

Earlier this week I had been writing and had to stop to deal with one of the boys, I was frustrated to stop but I left it out in hopes of going back to it.  Dinner had to be started and my time just ran out.  But I looked back and I noticed the beauty of the late afternoon light coming in and landing gently on my Bible.  It was so beautiful and gave me so much peace.  He has given me a deep desire. I am begging Him for more.  

This has become my prayer as I dig deeper into Him.

"Father, I pray that as I open Your Word, You would speak to me.
Give me a clear mind to read and understand.  Open the eyes of my heart to hear You nudge me in the direction You want to lead me today.  Give me revelation and understanding of new deeper concepts hidden in Your words.  
Holy Spirit, convict me of the things I need to change in my heart and comfort me with Your words of love written to me.
I desire to go deeper and to know You more.  I desire to love You more and to love Your Word more. 
Do a new work in me today, change me by Your words."   

Thursday, February 11, 2016

To be kind

My three year old is amazing. He really is. He is brilliant and everything he does is with great planning and passion. He spilled all the soap because he didn't like it. He truly did not like it. He didn't even get to enjoy the bubbles because of my out burst, which you could read about in my previous post. 

I love his ears. They are so big and floppy and I love to kiss them. 

He and I have really struggled over the past two years and I began to respond to him in a negative way. Like in panic and terror of what he would decide to do. I've seriously called him Dr Jeckel or Mr. Hide. 

Early in the morning if he would wake before I hoped he would, which was about 50 percent of the time, I would react as if the world ended. I would scowl at him and demand he be quiet and lay still on the couch. He would always freak out. And wake up more people who would all continue to interrupt my quiet time. When I was supposed to be digging into the Word of God and deep in prayer. He would mess up the whole thing. 

How quickly I forget. 

I am not sure what made me realize what was happening. But one day I realized how ridiculous that I could be deep in prayer and study and the next second go into a fit because I was being interrupted... by my own child. 

My Father welcomes my interruptions. And the interrupting of my children because He uses these moments to sanctify me. To make me more like Him. 

I used to do my best to greet them for the day. Life gets so crazy so fast and things I want to be intentional about just slip through my fingers. So I decided that I needed to change the way I have been greeting this boy. I remember the first day I had set my mind to it, he came and I didn't rush to him to get him quiet. I sat and waited for him to come and for him to make eye contact with me. He was upset and looked angry. I smiled as I waited for his eyes to meet mine. When they did, I saw a look of anger go to a look of surprise, then slowly into a huge smile. Even his eyes were smiling. It was amazing. Then he came the rest of the way to me and I hugged him and asked him what he dreamed about. He said nothing, then told me he wants juice. I asked him to go lay on the couch and I would bring his juice to him. He easily obeyed. Then after he drank his juice he went back to sleep. 
It was pretty eye opening for me. 

As the months have gone on he and I have learned to communicate better and with a clearer level of understanding. Many battles, but not quiet as often. In our exchanges he is still often suprised that my expression is not in anger, but searching for the joy. Choosing joy.  He is so brilliant and needs to be challenged.  He is keeping me humble. 

Today we had a beautiful day together. He discovered flash cards, so we played a matching game. Then when he wasn't able to play the iPad he asked to paint while I was painting my Bible. I actually said yes! He painted a beautiful picture and asked me what color I wanted the entire time. He has such a desire to please. We talked and enjoyed our time together. 

Bed time comes after a couple more battles, but I snuggle on his bed and I kiss his ears and we talked about the day. He told me that he likes me so much. And he loves me. And painting was his favorite.

It was a good day. I found the joy. The Lord gave me His joy as my strength, as He teaches me to deeply love. 

Friday, February 5, 2016

To Love

I just started following a scripture writing plan for the month of February and this was today's passage. 

It hit me hard. As I was reading I became so convicted in my lack of love toward my husband and my children.

Last night I lost it. I screamed and disciplined one of my children in anger over a bottle of spilled soap. An entire brand new bottle of soap. On purpose. 

Love is patient and kind. 
The rest of the list seems to fall under one or the other, at first thought. So I am going to meditate on what those words mean. 
I want to let this soak into my heart. 

I am so thankful for His mercy and His grace. 

Father, thank you for Your great love. Unimaginable, reckless love. You delight in showing mercy and I am broken and humbled that You would love me in my mess.  Forgive me for acting impatient and unkind to these children You have placed in my life. Teach me how to love like this. Would You fill me with a great love for my husband and my children to live out Your gospel and Your great example of love. 
Help me, Father, to be patient and kind to my children. Thank you for bringing conviction of the ways I fall short. I know Your Holy Spirit is at work in my heart. Soften my heart to love as You love. 

Thursday, February 4, 2016

adjusting in the sovereignty of God

I am struggling to keep up here so I will just spill my heart with this week.

I seem to be struggling with everything going on right now.  Battling a bit of depression in some areas.  Nothing big, just adjusting.  I want to choose joy more.  I don't want to miss these moments.

Mike has been working with Cornerstone for two weeks now. We are anticipating all the struggles financially, before he gets going strong.  That stress is definitely there, but I do feel at peace.  I know the Lord will bring us through it.

His schedule is different each day, so that has my mornings off a bit.  I am not sure if he will every have a perfectly scheduled day.  That is different for me.  Letting go of the control that I have to keep on the day before the crazy starts.  Oh, these boys...
I do look forward to more help from him, but also hope that I don't get disappointed if it doesn't work out exactly how I anticipate it.

Yesterday was a huge day.  Gideon had an appointment with the cardiologist to go over the results of his tests on Tuesday.  The doctor came in with some small talk asking about Gideon and listening to his heart. Then finally said, "well, the asd closed." Oh, what relief! While I was waiting, I was at peace, but feeling like I could still be shocked with the worst kind of news.   Oh, the Lord is so good to us!  I know the peace was there because of all the things He has brought us through.  While the steps may be hard, He is always there.  I knew it would be no different if we had to walk the road of heart surgery.  I trust His heart and His intentions.  Knowing He would guide even if we did have to walk through many shadows. So amazing to say.  I want to love my Lord so much more deeply.  He keeps drawing me in.

His ways is always perfect.

Knowing His healing hand has been on Gideon helps me to rest.  He is here.  He will not forsake and He will not let us be put to shame.

Our desire is for His glory.

Thank You, my Jesus.