The last words of Job

This morning, with Abram sitting on my lap, I hand wrote that last words of Job. It was a strange feeling. It isn't the first book I have handwritten but the first one with my long term goal of writting the whole Bible. It feels like the first step in a long journey. I think I could say that writing it word for word changed me.

The last I wrote about here, was his friends and their going back and forth with Job.  It was honestly a struggle to get through because I felt like it was an argument that I would have to listen to my children have.  There was no conclusion.  Elihu felt the same way.  Basically, he told them that he was quiet and tried to listen because they are older and should be wiser.  But they weren't.  He called them all out for giving Job no answers but accusing him of wrong.  He called Job out for thinking so pridefully of himself.  He pointed out the ways of God, that no one can understand.  It made me smile.  Because they should all know those things.  But I do the same thing all the time.  I have to be reminded of things that I should know and practice.  He blasted them for about 4 chapters.  Then God spoke.

Honestly, it stunned me for a second to read those words.  "Then the Lord said to Job..." I sat there for a couple of minutes thinking about it all. Finally.  After all the horror of Job's life and all the questioning and challenging and defending that was going on.  God finally came to end it.  He would have the final say.

I was caught off guard at the sarcasm that God used with Job. God told Job to enlighten Him, since he seems to know all the answers.  It definitely made me realize that in my situation I believe that my plan on how God should work all my problems out is best.  I know what would give Him glory.  I know what people think so I have a perfect plan on how it can all work and people will be in awe of how God worked out our issues.  If He would do a certain thing people would know that we were right in our steps of faith.  People could never say that we missed God if God worked it all how I think He should.  That constant struggle is wrong... I am always battling it.

Exactly three years ago this month God called us to step out and jump. His promise was that He would catch us.  He did... and people were in awe.  We were in awe.  We could only say it wasn't us.  We did everything in our our power to solve the problem and we were powerless.  God had to do it all.  We are there again.  I wait and hope, there is no other option.  If I fail, I fail waiting on God to do this thing.

I know that God has called us and set us apart.  I know that He picked me up and set me down in Job and Ecc. at the same time.  I never expected that every day they would go hand in hand and fit perfectly with what I was facing that day.  It shows me His Father's heart toward me, that He would not leave me in the dark, questioning without any answers.  And even if He did, as He did Job, that He would eventually speak.  Again, I must trust.

As God spoke with Job and reminded Him of His sovereignty over every situation, large and small, it just washed over me.  He is sovereign. He is in control. Nothing comes as a surprise to God.  He knows how I will react over each situation I will face and He waits for my response.  He knows when the physical panic attacks come. Will my response be one of repentance and seeing my sin the way He sees it, or will my response continue to be in my pride pointing out all that I have done right and how I don't deserve this.

Job took his eyes off himself and placed them on the God who does all things well.  He is always only ever good.  I want to be a woman who can proclaim that I know that He can do all things and that no purpose of His can ever be thwarted.  I don't want to just know of Him but I want to see with my eyes.

The last few verses caught me off guard as Job's restoration was told.  The names of his daughters were given.  It says that no women in the land were as beautiful as his three daughters were and that Job gave them an inheritance along with their brothers.  It brings me to tears now.   God always brings beauty from the ashes... He always makes our disasters into victories.  That He would use me and call me beautiful is breathtaking.  The inheritance that I have been given in His kingdom along with any other man... my worth to Him in this story moves my heart so deeply toward my God.  His love for me is great and deep.  He holds me in the palm of His hand and no thing can touch me without His permission. My God does only what will bring Himself the most glory and if I am living my life only for His glory,  I know I can trust in the Father heart of my God.

Friendships~ Lessons from Job

As I have been in Job for about a month I am in the middle of the conversation between Job and his friends.  As I mentioned in the previous post, they heard about Job's trouble then came to comfort him.  They couldn't recognize him when they arrived because his body was so badly covered in boils.  But they cared enough to stay and sat with him in silence for 7 days.

7 days sounds like a really long time to just sit. I can't wrap my mind around them actually sitting in silence and not getting up for anything.  Which gives me the impression that they really cared about Job.  They really wanted to be there for him in his time of trouble.  If I think of the mourning process, which I would equate Job's situation to, I would want friends there who would not try to make me feel any certain way or give me any answers or ask any questions.  They seem to be dedicated friends.

Chapter 4 begins and we see his friends begin to talk... maybe question. "Hey Job, is everything ok between you and God?" or "Job, have you considered the idea of having done something that God may see the need to discipline you or test you?" It goes back and forth, on and on. Job defending and at some points honestly sounds quite self righteous.  But he is sure he did nothing that should deserve such punishment or disapproval from God. His statements actually cause his friends to get more and more bold. Calling him out in what his offense was before a Mighty God, Creator of the universe.  No one can be perfect, trying to help Job see this so that he would repent and God would restore him.

It actually makes sense to me.  If I put myself in the same situation as any one of Job's three friends, I would be thinking the exact thing they are thinking.  I have done it.  There are few that I have done this to. Reminded them of the character of God and the fallenness of man. It sounds a lot like holding a person accountable or standing up for truth. I am puzzled why this questioning is seen in a negative light.  I *think* I would want friends to do the same for me... actually, it has happened to me and great freedom came from it.

Maybe it is because it just isn't tactful to question someone so deeply when they have lost so much so quickly.  But after sitting silent for 7 days I would think that caused Job to realize that they deeply cared.  Mourning isn't a quick process, so I feel the depth of Job's questioning God also. 

I'm thinking on grace and when to know the right thing to say.  Or when the right thing to say is at the wrong time.  The right thing said at the wrong time can be wrong.

I already know that at the end God will rebuke these three friends, but I am looking forward to possibly seeing why they were wrong on calling him out, to evaluate himself.  To search his own heart and see if there is any wicked way in him.

My biggest question that remains unanswered is why is it wrong for Jobs friends to question him?
A lack of grace?
Unkind and hurtful because it is so close to the loss?
Or is questioning Job's character truly the problem with his friends?
I hope to find the answer to that as I finish up the second half of the book.

But for now, these

ideas cause me to evaluate the kind of friend I am.  Do I deeply love and fight for those I say that I love.  Do I seek to keep the peace in all relationships.  I want to be a sister-friend who women can feel safe with and run to when they need someone to hold up their arms in battle or sit in silence in a time of mourning.  My prayer is that Jesus would put these qualities in me.

That I would love like He loves.

All for His glory... according to Job

In my journey to write the Bible I am only a few chapters in. I'm using a guide in chronological order so I'm only in Job. It feels like it is going to take me forever.

My mind is being blown right now with the things I didn't notice in Job before. 

As we know, the fallen angels and Satan go before God. I've always thought that Satan asked to test Job but actually God offered him up. God asked Satan if he had noticed Job and pointed out how blameless he is. Satan scoffs and assures God that Job is only faithful because of the many ways that God has blessed him. So they agree that Satan can do anything except touch his body in an attempt to prove God wrong, so Satan thinks. 

Satan takes everything away and yet Job does not curse God, as his wife encourages him to do. Satan goes back to God and God again, offers Job for more trials which would include his health. Just not unto death. 

Job still does not curse God but sits in silence. His friends hear about his trouble and come to sit with him. They couldn't even recognize him because of the sores that covered his body. They all sat silently for 7 days. That is the kind of friend I hope for, and the friend I hope to be. (More on this in the next post). 

This whole part of God offering Job up has really made me struggle. So I have been meditating on it for quite a while. 

Some of my initial thoughts are "why?" Job was obedient. He was godly. He was faithful. He offered up daily sacrifices "just incase" his children sinned. He feared God. The scriptures make that pretty clear. 

I admit that when I have gone though some struggles I have had those same questions for God. I've begged for answers, telling God that my desire is to please Him! All we want is His glory! Why do we always need to deal with hard things? We are trying!!! 

The last major time was when our 5 week old sweet G was hospitalized with RSV and ended up have to be intubated to save his life. All we wanted to do was obey and believe that children are a gift. So many people just have a baby with no problems. Not us. Four hard HG pregnancies, a baby lost to HG, 4 more hard morning sickness pregnancies, 7 c -sections. I just didn't understand why one thing about it could not be easy! 

While G was in the hospital I had so much time. To think, to pray and to be in His word. Peace is the word that the Lord kept speaking to me, right out of the story of Gideon in Judges chapters 6-8. The Lord is peace. It was the beginning of my deeper understanding of this. 

God chose Gideon, the least of his tribe, to fight with what seemed unbelievable odds, to tear down the idols in the land and bring glory to God.  

Ok, so that takes me back to questioning. In Jobs life God allowed testing and lots of wrestling, which produced faith. With Gideon, there was a testing and wrestling which also produced faith. In both situations God receives all the glory. 

I think it was during this time that I heard someone say "God will do what brings Him the most glory." When you are in a life or death situation that isn't really comforting. I didn't want God to get the most glory from my sons death. 

Another person I have thought of during all of this is the blind man in John chapter 9. They asked Jesus if his parents had sinned to cause the mans blindness. Jesus said that he was blind so that the works of God might be displayed through him. This man did nothing to deserve this. But God chose to use him with the goal of bringing glory to His own name. 

The sovereignty of God is revealed through these people. God knew the heart of Job. God knew that he would be found faithful. God knew that while he may wrestle that Job would never turn his back on God or let go of God. 

Honestly, I am still seeing the pieces of these stories come together to help me get glimpses of the character of God. 

He is sovereign. 

God will do what will bring Himself the most glory. 

Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him. 

Job 13:15

with my whole heart

This past summer I studied Psalm 119 with Love God Greatly for a few weeks.  It is the longest chapter in the Bible and it is entirely about the law of God.  His testimonies, precepts, statutes, commandments, rules and His Word. 

It was amazing to go through it verse by verse and write most of it out.  Coming out of legalism and into grace, I have struggled back and forth between the two.  Knowing that it is because of the relationship that I obey the laws of God, but struggling to see how it fleshes itself out.  I no longer resent walking in obedience to the Word of God and I still fall short so much.  It isn't about getting more done or being better.  It is about being.  

Abide and dwell are so deep I can barely comprehend it.

I was struck with how often the word heart appears in the chapter.  David ties emotion and obedience together so tightly.  I love it.  

Since doing this I have begun to pray that the Lord will give me a deeper love and desire for His Word and a deeper understanding of it.  

When I was thinking about the things I would like to accomplish in 2016, writing scriptures was on my mind and heart.  In a previous post I shared about that.  Right now I am in Job 11.  I still don't get to write it every day, but the desire is still so deep.  Every time I write there are things I have never noticed before and my understanding is deepening.  It really is changing my heart and my mind.

Earlier this week I had been writing and had to stop to deal with one of the boys, I was frustrated to stop but I left it out in hopes of going back to it.  Dinner had to be started and my time just ran out.  But I looked back and I noticed the beauty of the late afternoon light coming in and landing gently on my Bible.  It was so beautiful and gave me so much peace.  He has given me a deep desire. I am begging Him for more.  

This has become my prayer as I dig deeper into Him.

"Father, I pray that as I open Your Word, You would speak to me.

Give me a clear mind to read and understand.  Open the eyes of my heart to hear You nudge me in the direction You want to lead me today.  Give me revelation and understanding of new deeper concepts hidden in Your words.  

Holy Spirit, convict me of the things I need to change in my heart and comfort me with Your words of love written to me.

I desire to go deeper and to know You more.  I desire to love You more and to love Your Word more. 

Do a new work in me today, change me by Your words."   

To be kind

My three year old is amazing. He really is. He is brilliant and everything he does is with great planning and passion. He spilled all the soap because he didn't like it. He truly did not like it. He didn't even get to enjoy the bubbles because of my out burst, which you could read about in my previous post. 

I love his ears. They are so big and floppy and I love to kiss them. 

He and I have really struggled over the past two years and I began to respond to him in a negative way. Like in panic and terror of what he would decide to do. I've seriously called him Dr Jeckel or Mr. Hide. 

Early in the morning if he would wake before I hoped he would, which was about 50 percent of the time, I would react as if the world ended. I would scowl at him and demand he be quiet and lay still on the couch. He would always freak out. And wake up more people who would all continue to interrupt my quiet time. When I was supposed to be digging into the Word of God and deep in prayer. He would mess up the whole thing. 

How quickly I forget. 

I am not sure what made me realize what was happening. But one day I realized how ridiculous that I could be deep in prayer and study and the next second go into a fit because I was being interrupted... by my own child. 

My Father welcomes my interruptions. And the interrupting of my children because He uses these moments to sanctify me. To make me more like Him. 

I used to do my best to greet them for the day. Life gets so crazy so fast and things I want to be intentional about just slip through my fingers. So I decided that I needed to change the way I have been greeting this boy. I remember the first day I had set my mind to it, he came and I didn't rush to him to get him quiet. I sat and waited for him to come and for him to make eye contact with me. He was upset and looked angry. I smiled as I waited for his eyes to meet mine. When they did, I saw a look of anger go to a look of surprise, then slowly into a huge smile. Even his eyes were smiling. It was amazing. Then he came the rest of the way to me and I hugged him and asked him what he dreamed about. He said nothing, then told me he wants juice. I asked him to go lay on the couch and I would bring his juice to him. He easily obeyed. Then after he drank his juice he went back to sleep. 

It was pretty eye opening for me. 

As the months have gone on he and I have learned to communicate better and with a clearer level of understanding. Many battles, but not quiet as often. In our exchanges he is still often suprised that my expression is not in anger, but searching for the joy. Choosing joy.  He is so brilliant and needs to be challenged.  He is keeping me humble. 

Today we had a beautiful day together. He discovered flash cards, so we played a matching game. Then when he wasn't able to play the iPad he asked to paint while I was painting my Bible. I actually said yes! He painted a beautiful picture and asked me what color I wanted the entire time. He has such a desire to please. We talked and enjoyed our time together. 

Bed time comes after a couple more battles, but I snuggle on his bed and I kiss his ears and we talked about the day. He told me that he likes me so much. And he loves me. And painting was his favorite.

It was a good day. I found the joy. The Lord gave me His joy as my strength, as He teaches me to deeply love. 

To Love

I just started following a scripture writing plan for the month of February and this was today's passage. 

It hit me hard. As I was reading I became so convicted in my lack of love toward my husband and my children.

Last night I lost it. I screamed and disciplined one of my children in anger over a bottle of spilled soap. An entire brand new bottle of soap. On purpose. 

Love is patient and kind. 

The rest of the list seems to fall under one or the other, at first thought. So I am going to meditate on what those words mean. 

I want to let this soak into my heart. 

I am so thankful for His mercy and His grace. 

Father, thank you for Your great love. Unimaginable, reckless love. You delight in showing mercy and I am broken and humbled that You would love me in my mess.  Forgive me for acting impatient and unkind to these children You have placed in my life. Teach me how to love like this. Would You fill me with a great love for my husband and my children to live out Your gospel and Your great example of love. 

Help me, Father, to be patient and kind to my children. Thank you for bringing conviction of the ways I fall short. I know Your Holy Spirit is at work in my heart. Soften my heart to love as You love. 

adjusting in the sovereignty of God

I am struggling to keep up here so I will just spill my heart with this week.

I seem to be struggling with everything going on right now.  Battling a bit of depression in some areas.  Nothing big, just adjusting.  I want to choose joy more.  I don't want to miss these moments.

Mike has been working with Cornerstone for two weeks now. We are anticipating all the struggles financially, before he gets going strong.  That stress is definitely there, but I do feel at peace.  I know the Lord will bring us through it.

His schedule is different each day, so that has my mornings off a bit.  I am not sure if he will every have a perfectly scheduled day.  That is different for me.  Letting go of the control that I have to keep on the day before the crazy starts.  Oh, these boys...
I do look forward to more help from him, but also hope that I don't get disappointed if it doesn't work out exactly how I anticipate it.

Yesterday was a huge day.  Gideon had an appointment with the cardiologist to go over the results of his tests on Tuesday.  The doctor came in with some small talk asking about Gideon and listening to his heart. Then finally said, "well, the asd closed." Oh, what relief! While I was waiting, I was at peace, but feeling like I could still be shocked with the worst kind of news.   Oh, the Lord is so good to us!  I know the peace was there because of all the things He has brought us through.  While the steps may be hard, He is always there.  I knew it would be no different if we had to walk the road of heart surgery.  I trust His heart and His intentions.  Knowing He would guide even if we did have to walk through many shadows. So amazing to say.  I want to love my Lord so much more deeply.  He keeps drawing me in.

His ways is always perfect.

Knowing His healing hand has been on Gideon helps me to rest.  He is here.  He will not forsake and He will not let us be put to shame.

Our desire is for His glory.


Thank You, my Jesus.