Monday, November 9, 2015

Bakers half dozen

I homeschool my kids. A bakers half dozen.... Can you call 7 kids that? It probably isn't right.
Anyway. All of them. Are with me all. Day. Long.
No really, I love it. I know I am called to that. 

The day to day is hard but usually the overall feelings are good. 
Lately, like the last year and more recently, it has been much more discouraging. Because of the older boys and the effort they are not putting into learning. I have been at the end of my rope more than I like to say this last year. I lean on grace, and I wonder deeply if that is enough. 

Am I ruining them? Am I doing a disservice to them by not putting them in school. These are deep thoughts. Am I truly failing my boys education. 

Wow. I don't want them to just know how to find the answers in the paragraphs but to know it so deeply it becomes a reaction of the knowledge deep within them. Know how to find the answers, yes. But to live the answers.... 1000x yes. 

So he fails. He doesn't know. I fail. I don't live the answers that I claim to learn. I rage.  
He doesn't understand that it is deeper than just writing the correct answer.
I don't understand that it is deeper than putting a smile on my face.

Wow, do I want that.  I want to know the answers deeply in my soul. I have had so many questions lately about how I should do something or how I should respond to something hard.  I feel like I should know this by now. I shouldn't be struggling. The answer should come right out of me.  Grace and truth comes to mind. I long to walk in grace and truth.... even in a disagreement, grace and truth.

Father, would you put this so deeply in my soul that grace and truth will flow out of me effortlessly.  It comes from rest and trust in You. Give it to me Father. I know I cannot do it on my own.

The last week or so I have felt inside of me that I can just sit and be still... I don't have to 'do' in order to be accepted. I am found in Him. Hidden in Him.

Truly, the lessons that I struggle with my boys are the same as my own just in different areas. Grace and truth should go deeper within me.  Motherhood is sanctifying is the saying, honestly that is annoying to me sometimes. I want it to be easy just like my son wants his math to be easy.  Our homeschool journey is not just about these boys... it changes me.

His lessons build on each other and if he can't get a concept we have to do it over and over until he does.  I do the same thing... over and over and over.  I wish he would realize that he isn't the only one failing. Oh, but for grace.

These 7 arrows. The number 7 means completeness and perfection.  More than just the idea that our family is complete and perfect the way my Father arranged it, but in a spiritual way, He has promised that I am being completed and perfected in Him. What a gift they are to me.

2 Corinthians 12:9
And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
I rest in this.
Father, teach me to boast in my weakness so that Your power may dwell in me deeply.