Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Favorite Color and Why

Writing prompt for the 18th is your favorite color and why. 

Deeper than I originally expected. 

Pink. For years I think I tried to hide it. It is girly and I shouldn't be too girly... Because that is just not good. 

As I have grown into the woman that I am and as I have son after son, I have embraced my love for pink. It makes me happy. 

I have 7 sons and one in heaven. We lost a second baby, but it was to early to know, but it was probably a boy. 

I have always longed for a girl. A daughter. A sweet pretty child with long blond hair and blue eyes who would grow into my best friend. Who I could shape and mold into a beautiful woman who loves Jesus and knows she is deeply loved by Jesus. 

As our family grew, we knew we wanted many children and as I had c-sections we knew one day we would be limited in that. At times I doubted having a daughter. Other times I just knew that God would hear my hearts deepest longing to have a daughter and since I have obeyed and followed him my entire life, why would He not give me exactly what I desired. He is a good Father. He knows my desire. 

There were times I felt that I heard Him promise me. But He didn't give me what I wanted. 

The grief that comes with knowing that Gideon is our last baby is doubled when I knew he was not a daughter. It is deep. I am still trying to understand why. 

It seems like people knew all along but just didn't want to say it. That I am a boy mom. Boy mom, what does that mean? Manly woman? Woman who can handle a lot of junk and crazy? Woman who is not dainty or girly enough to be a girl mom. Just undeserving of a daughter, a relationship or a friend. 

I have struggled with not being good enough. Beautiful enough, womanly enough. It does have to do with history. People not wanting to embrace their womanly-ness.  

My husband has helped heal much of that. 

But Jesus, He is deeply healing. Even if I feel ignored or unimportant. He is healing and revealing His Fatherly heart to me. 

Daddy knows best. 

I love pink.